NB This Interview Carries A Health Warning! Andrew Collett Bares His... Soul Only for The Poetry Zone! Yes - we ask the questions that you all want to know. Why does Andrew have a shiny bottom? How did he get his head stuck down the toilet? Why you should eat your bogies? If you want to know the answers (and enjoy some excellent poems) then read on... IGNORANCE RULES I'm bottom in my school in maths I never score, in learning all my tables my teacher says I'm poor. My handwriting could be better my homework's a disgrace, in every spelling test I'm always in last place. But talking I am good at and for being only nine, for pulling splinters I'm the best and falling out of line. For wriggling in assembly I'd always win first prize, and making all the teachers laugh even though I'm half their size. For sharpening every pencil I'd win the silver cup and for making sure the paint pots are always filled right up. For keeping our room tidy I'm told that I'm a star, so why does my report say, you'll never go very far? So, Andrew, were you good at school? Most definitely not! The poem Ignorance Rules is all about me. I'm afraid that I devoted my efforts to the less studious aspects of school life. I think I gave up with school from quite an early age as I was told by my teachers that I wasn't really much good at anything. I managed to turn this round when I was a teenager. Do you have a special time to write? Yes, although I'm very easily distracted. I make regular trips to the kitchen to admire the kettle and feed the fish. This might not seem so bad but we don't have any fish. It is, of course, very important to keep your bottom firmly on your writing chair - although it plays havoc with your wardrobe as the result is shiny bottom syndrome. Not, of course, that you end up with a shiny bottom, it's just your trousers which go shiny with all that sitting. At least, I think it's just your trousers!! Where can we find your poems? I have over 100 poems published in different anthologies. I also have some fiction published by Heinemann and Ginn. However, I think my best-known book is my poetry selection entitled ALWAYS EAT YOUR BOGIES. A second, BOTTLE YOUR BURPS FOR GRANNY, is due out in October. I'm always worried that some might take offence at the titles. However, there's nothing quite so amusing as making children laugh and cringe at the same time. Do you have a website? Yes I do. And I'd love everyone to visit it. It's www.poetry39.freeserve.co.uk ALWAYS EAT YOUR BOGIES Always eat your bogies don't wipe them on your clothes, just gulp them down in one as you pick them from your nose. For they're full of crunchy goodness they're best when green and long, so always eat your bogies and you'll grow up big and strong. Do you visit many schools? I visit about 100 schools each year. I really enjoy sharing my poetry with a 'live' audience. I like the children to make as much noise as possible - there's plenty of audience participation in my performances. On the few occasions we 'did' poetry at school it was always presented as something which was very serious and sensible. Unfortunately I've never been serious or sensible. What was your most memorable day? Probably the day I first stood up in front of a full school to perform my poetry. I knew it was going OK when a JCB started to dig up the pavement on the other side of the hall window. Instead of pointing and staring at the JCB, the children carried on watching me. It's the acid test for any teacher as to the quality of a lesson - can he/she compete with the fascination all children have for just about anything outside when they're in the classroom? I'm trying to arrange a performance on a JCB - that would keep everyone happy! What was your worst moment? When I found out that Tracey Whittaker from the house next door was going out with darling Daniel, the doctor's son. She told me that he was a much better kisser than me! Honest - that's my worst moment. That, and getting my head stuck down the toilet when looking for a lost penny. How do you spend your spare time? I don't really have any spare time - sad that. But, if I had spare time then I'd probably lie on my back and watch the clouds drift high above me. If we all found time to do a little bit of cloud-gazing then the world would be a happier place - honest! THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A COWPAT There's nothing quite like a cow pat, they're so easy to spot, some are cold and crunchy and others steaming hot. Some will smell horrible things like sick or sweaty feet, whilst others will whiff of daffodils and seem good enough to eat. Some will look like doughnut rings without the jam inside, some will make you slip and fall and others will make you slide. Some will sit all alone some will line in pairs, some will be completely bald whilst others might have hairs. Some will have a smiley face some even have a name, for when it comes to cow pats no two are quite the same! What did you do before becoming a poet? Like so many other authors I was a teacher. I taught for ten years before they got rid of me for always looking too happy in assemblies and not filling in my National Curriculum records properly. Actually, I loved teaching but always knew I wanted to become a writer full-time. Do you have a family? I have two brothers and a sister. It's a shame, but I don't see much of them. I live with my wonderful son, aged 3, and my long-suffering wife, aged 137. She's a teacher. She's hoping I might write a block-buster so she can give up teaching to spend her days organising coffee mornings and hanging out in shopping centres. (Mine is, too - RS) What football team do you support? The winning one! BULLY Why, each day, do you stop and stare, do you chant those names, do you pull my hair? Why, each day, have you never tried to know the hurt that I feel inside? What about your future? I don't think too far ahead. I hope to continue to get my work published and am just grateful that I am able to earn my living at something I enjoy. So how can we find out more about your books? Visit my website at www.poetry39.freeserve.co.uk Or you could visit Potty Poets at King's England Press who publish my books. There you'll find lots more information. Andrew Collet, thank you very much. Thank you. No, thank you ! No, I insist... thank you ! No, the pleasure was ours. No, truly, the pleasure was all mine... (etc.) take me back to the top, if you would be so kind